Sunday, May 31, 2009

Quick Update

I am compelled to update my blog due to the fact that the latest post is several weeks ago. This compulsion is enhanced by many of my friends (who do not blog often) returning to the age old tradition of recording their thoughts down in a relatively public domain.

I am getting sick of booking in every weekend just to wait anxiously for five days before I can book out. This routine has certainly taken a toll on me due to the fact that my camp is far from my house and that the particular course that I am in never seems to end. I absolutely can't wait for the time when I start doing duty full time because the mindless regimentation do not apply much when I am off-duty and thus, gaining a little of myself back again. Of course, the ultimate freedom is still 526 days away which is slightly depressing.

I am glad that I managed to pack my weekends with activities and events that keeps me occupied and leave me feeling a little less blue. However, I still lament the fact that I am almost totally removed from my friends as I am utterly clueless about how they are getting along. The only contact I have would be through the impersonal facebook where the updates they put up gives me a rough idea of what they are doing. I do wish there were more chances of having reunions here and there just to catch up and have a nice chat.

Perhaps, the biggest highlight of my life right now is that I am slowly getting back into the groove of playing the flute again. Having the flexibility of my fingers moving along the instrument has gave me a great deal of satisfaction; much more than before I disrupted my lessons due to my enlistment into the army. I do look forward to getting my Grade 8 soon and working on my music in the hopes of being able to play at leisure and not just for the sake of taking the exams.

Another interesting thing that happened to me was a visit to the dance studio today as my cousin wanted to see the lessons they offer. It was their open house and they were giving their prospective customers a trial lesson. I attended the adult ballet class and did some plies for the sheer fun of it. Even though plies is merely an exercise and not a full choreography, being there in the studio made me realised how much I missed dancing. The bond I have with my fellow mates, the strong expression of oneself through the body and of course the exhilaration that performing brings... I can't wait to dance again... no matter how bad I am at it...

What is left of me is to hope and pray that the hours will pass like minutes and the minutes will pass like seconds before I am free to do what I love again.

Friday, May 8, 2009

In Search of Connection

I often grapple with myself on the issue of the degree of compromise to my privacy I'm willing to make with regards to my blog. I am a very private person and am very selective to reveal various details of myself. That explains why I'm only liberal in revealing my thoughts and outlook of life rather than personal details or emotions that I am experiencing. On this occasion, I may make an exception in revealing some of my private thoughts. However, this is dependent on the compulsion of the moment as I set on this journey of writing.

The main impetus to compose this post is the urgent need for self-expression and release. Yet, I still have to face the fact that writing is never an easy task as it is almost impossible to articulate the waves of intense and varied emotions one feels. Nevertheless, I shall attempt to spell it out in the frail hope of someone understanding my experience. If not, I shall do it for myself as these words may come in useful someday.

Having come thus far in my life, I am on a search for true human to human connection. One that is earnest and sincere. One that transcends over pleasantries or any form of conversation - a strong and unspoken knowledge that we will be there for each other come what may.

It is most lamentable and regrettable that earnest conversation has died as we are often shackled by obligations that is overwhelmed by diabetic pleasantry and flattery. This is most resounding when I noticed a friend reading a book that teaches one 'How to Talk to Anyone'. How can there be an instruction manual for an activity that stems from the heart? Such an instance is indeed a sign of how much complicated that we have evolved that we are unable to be sincere.

Therefore, as we have come to this, is it truly impossible to find back that sincerity and willingness in trying to reconnect with one another? Must we always rely on the advances of science and technology to aid us? Even so, the sincerity of the heart is still missing from that equation. To that question, Aye. We must remove all expectations we have of each other for that bogs us down and destroys any relationship. We must have a strong faith in the love we have for each other and know it in our hearts that we will be there. That shall be an example of the human spirit at its best.

Till then, I'm in search for that person....