Sweet Little Things

In trying to find meaningful ways to spend time in camp, my camp mates and I decided to start a conversation in the hopes of finding out more about each other. Soon enough, we found ourselves inevitably comparing the cultures of our schools as I had to debunk certain myths that surrounds AC.

In the course of relating certain events that my school has organised, something deep struck me. As I think back on all the little and silly things my school does on events such as Valentine's or April Fools, there is this overwhelming mix of nostalgia and regret that came over me. I once viewed it as superfluous and a tad bit extravagant for an unofficial cause for celebration. However, as I face the jaded realities of life, I began to appreciate what the school, and whoever that was involved in the planning, had done for us. The thought behind those sweets, flowers, balloons (pink, white, red) and the pranks certainly made our day and disrupting the monotony of school life was always welcomed.

Missing AC this way also led to another realisation- the gem of sincerity. I mean what really touches me about how AC celebrates events, seasons and life is not because of the expense that went into it but how sincerely the Students Council wants to make the day slightly special for everyone. It is not a matter of how you do it or how expensive it is but that you are sincere in doing it. Sincerity is the key for many a times, we often go to the expense of doing something other out of pure obligation which leaves a bitter aftertaste for ourselves. To me, we should rid ourselves of such superficial obligation and go the distance only if we really mean it or else everything is meaningless. On the other side of the coin, we should also stop expecting from people. It is with such mindless expectation that we lead ourselves onto the paths of disappointment. As long as we stay true to ourselves and our friends, people will naturally reciprocate back with gratitude and sincerity and that is all that matters.

Being Loved and Needed

'It isn't memories that keep us going. Being loved and needed is what keeps us from dying inside.'
~Anne LeClaire, Entering Normal (2001)

Isn't that a profound thought? We do cherish our memories but, at times, clinging onto them makes us stuck in neutral. Yet, this phenomenon in the polemics of our behaviour that occurs when we hang onto a certain memory is a testament to our want to be loved and needed. It is certainly the case for LeClaire's character of Rose Nelson in her book, Entering Normal.

As an exceedingly brief summary, Rose lost her son and fell into a state of depression but it changed when Opal Gates moved into the neighbourhood with her son Zack. Initially, she tries her best to keep a distance from Opal for Zack painfully reminds her of her son, Todd. But in a set of unexpected events, Rose does get involved in helping Opal settle down in this unfamiliar surroundings and even fight to retain custody of her child. Such events eventually led her to realise the moral in the above quote. This led her to come out of her depression and followed Opal back to her own hometown as a support in bringing up Zack for she realised that giving love and receiving it back is what keeps us alive and what keeps us from dying inside.

At a first glance, it seems that someone who would say that suffers from inferiority complex mixed with a touch of depression. But after further consideration, I realised how resonant that line is in our lives. Memories are a precious commodity of our existence - having a recollection of an experience, be it good or bad, makes us who we are and by extension, proves that we exist and matter in this world. While it is important to have a throve of experience, holding onto the past makes us forget the present and an obsessive reluctance to let go of it makes us go into a state of depression. The important question is, what do people often hold on to obsessively and what does this say of ourselves as humans?

We often cling onto memories that makes us feel wanted, loved and happy. How often do we find ourselves remembering a previous love affair, a relative who has passed on or good times we have with a particular friend who is not in contact with us? It is a testament to our inherent want to reach out and love someone as well as to be loved and cared for in return. This want thus 'keeps us from dying inside'. In other words, to be fully human, we seek and give love from and to others. This pure and great gift therefore keeps us going and gives meaning to our lives.

On a personal note, this quote cannot be further from the truth. It is also interesting to note how my longing is more pronounced as I grow older than when I am younger. It seemed as if the more I could rationalise and articulate the depths of my feelings, the stronger my desire to be love and needed is felt. As I think back upon the years that I have lived (it is surprisingly not many but it felt as if I have gone through a lot), I begin to cherish the many roles that people play in my life. How different my life would be without certain people and I begin to see more of their pleasant traits and overlook more of their shortcomings.

In appreciation of these people, I do feel a growing disappointment at myself as I regret not being more sociable and mix with them in my younger years. Perhaps that is why I seem to overcompensate and try my very best to keep abreast of what everyone is doing now. It is amazing how much power such a need has over one. The lonliness of not being able to reach out to others kills me a little and the daunting years of serving NS has made this activity a preoccupation as my friends slip off to university. I have sub-consciously put it as a priority in making my time out of camp as meaningful as possible. However, my attempts has been in vain as my friends are indeed busy and our schedules are incompatible with each other. As such, I do sometimes experience short bouts of mild depression as I feel myself rotting away and my existence is hollow without these friends. In this light, I am able to empathise with some celebrities such as Michael Jackson and Diana when they talk of lonliness and how it often eats them up inside...

If only everyone can soften their hearts and contemplate on the quote... and listen to themselves deep, deep inside themselves... it will be one step towards world peace...

In Search of Connection

I often grapple with myself on the issue of the degree of compromise to my privacy I'm willing to make with regards to my blog. I am a very private person and am very selective to reveal various details of myself. That explains why I'm only liberal in revealing my thoughts and outlook of life rather than personal details or emotions that I am experiencing. On this occasion, I may make an exception in revealing some of my private thoughts. However, this is dependent on the compulsion of the moment as I set on this journey of writing.

The main impetus to compose this post is the urgent need for self-expression and release. Yet, I still have to face the fact that writing is never an easy task as it is almost impossible to articulate the waves of intense and varied emotions one feels. Nevertheless, I shall attempt to spell it out in the frail hope of someone understanding my experience. If not, I shall do it for myself as these words may come in useful someday.

Having come thus far in my life, I am on a search for true human to human connection. One that is earnest and sincere. One that transcends over pleasantries or any form of conversation - a strong and unspoken knowledge that we will be there for each other come what may.

It is most lamentable and regrettable that earnest conversation has died as we are often shackled by obligations that is overwhelmed by diabetic pleasantry and flattery. This is most resounding when I noticed a friend reading a book that teaches one 'How to Talk to Anyone'. How can there be an instruction manual for an activity that stems from the heart? Such an instance is indeed a sign of how much complicated that we have evolved that we are unable to be sincere.

Therefore, as we have come to this, is it truly impossible to find back that sincerity and willingness in trying to reconnect with one another? Must we always rely on the advances of science and technology to aid us? Even so, the sincerity of the heart is still missing from that equation. To that question, Aye. We must remove all expectations we have of each other for that bogs us down and destroys any relationship. We must have a strong faith in the love we have for each other and know it in our hearts that we will be there. That shall be an example of the human spirit at its best.

Till then, I'm in search for that person....

Snippets of the Past

On this occasion, I would like to highlight a past blog post of mine. Its significance and reason behind this highlight shall be made known to my gentle readers at a later stage. Thank you for your patience...

How my Hols got Worse and Better Again

It is extremely rare that I would relate a day's events in such detail for I find that the monotony of modern life has rendered a large part of the day meaningless. However, today's events has certainly shocked me out of existence and got me back again which renders it worthy of relation and discussion.

For those who are personal friends or acquaintances of mine (i.e. having some sort of online contact with me), one could already guess that today certainly is one of those days in which technology triumphs over the human. Yes, I have brilliantly busted a laptop for no conceivable reason. Such occurrences truly compels me to actually roll up my sleeves and go back to basics of self-sustainability. Well, technology has certainly become part of a lifestyle rather than a tool but its temperamental nature certainly irks me. That's the tumultuous highlight of the day.

The main highlight of the day that was most heartening would be a visit to my grandfather's house. It has certainly been ages since I've visited that gentle old man. I certainly owe a part of who I am to him since he took care of me during my primary school years. With his eloquence and intelligence, he managed to convinced the principal to allow him to visit me during school hours almost every single day. Those few fleeting years actually do form a very fond memory of him.

He certainly is an extremely knowledgeable man in all areas. The amazing thing is that his knowledge extends from the days of yore to the present ongoings in the world. That wealth of knowledge is certainly commendable and I do wished his health afforded him the strength to see me during my secondary school years which did not come to pass.

That one hour conversation, though mostly intellectual, was certainly enlightening. Not only did it helped in updating my knowledge of current affairs (which is currently lacking as most of my alert, waking hours are dedicated to the dreaded SEA history) but seeing him in his golden years certainly made me respect him for how far he has come as a man, a father and more importantly, a grandfather to me. Though he has certain reservations or mindset which does come into conflict with mine, I often find myself grinning at his conservative mindset. Perhaps my respect has rendered this conflict trivial and even a cute contrast between the past and present.

Aside from my respect, reverence and nostalgia, there is a lingering sense of poignancy to the conversation. It has become very noticable that my grandfather's memory has begun to fail him at times as he mistook my age, my secondary school and even certain facts regarding our relatives. The man who use to spend a whole day reading every single article in the newspaper has difficulty reading and is subjected to reading the headlines or watching the news to update his extensive knowledge. Life is poignant and one's physical decay is inevitable as I begin to notice my grandfather's age beginning to creep up on him year by year. In this light, thoughts of losing him inevitably crowded my mind and suddenly death really became an issue that I struggled with mentally.

Morris "Morrie" Schwartz may be right in pointing out that death ends a life and not a relationship. A relationship that I will certainly treasure and remember for life.

Layman Sociology

It is obvious that any boy will face his NS life with a sense of irritation and trepidation due to the sudden change of environment and draconian regimentation before him. Of course, I am no exception in disliking being in the NS. I am not at ease to disclose in detail my reasons for feeling so but I would like to explore a theory that was proposed by someone that my displeasure is due to the fact that I am an only child.

Frankly speaking, I know not if that proposal was an insult of me being a "spoilt kid" or perhaps an innocent offering of his rather flawed theory. As I intend this post to be of a proper discourse, I shall give this poor fellow a benefit of a doubt and propose that having siblings does not alter one's opinion of being in NS regardless of it being a positive or a negative one.

His theory is backed up by the fact that one is often more willing to share and tolerate when one has siblings. In addition, if one has an elder brother who is excelling in NS, either the competitive spirit or adoration of his older sibling will spur one to view NS in a positive light. Such offerings also allow one to infer that an only child views NS negatively because he has been awarded freedom and exclusive love throughout his life and the sudden deprivation of it often leads to a negative perception of NS. That is, on many accounts, very prescriptive, anecdotal and flawed.

One's perception of NS should be, as much as possible, of one's true thoughts and feelings and not be tied to compulsion and duty. It should be sincere and not tainted by any other agenda. Yet, to be fair, this 'sincere perception' so to speak is influenced by one's upbringing and character. With that in mind, I can safely say that the poor chap's first offering of tolerance and sharing is nothing but anecdotal. Any instance of sibling rivalry in the courtrooms is proof enough that such a positive inculcation is utterly dependant on a person's character and upbringing.

Additionally, the second offering of competition or adoration cannot be considered to be one's sincere perception. This is due to the fact that this seemingly positive attitude is compelled by a greater force of wanting to outdo or be one's older brother and therefore taking all the regimentation, expectations and discpline in one's stride. Such a positive opinion is therefore not derived from the examination of the military system and forming an opinion of it. Hence, such an instance cannot be taken into consideration. And I will reassert that it all depends on one's character, philosophy and upbringing.

For me, I dislike NS because I am a complex mix of rationality and emotions. I disagree with some of the mechanisms of the SAF and do not feel that certain implementations truly makes one a better soldier in any sense. Furthermore, I am a firm believer that discipline is inculcated from the inside out and not by imposition. Therefore, the mechanisms of NS not only does not serve its intended purpose but it puts my life to a grinding halt; putting certain ambitions and opportunities on the backburner which may not re-surface ever again. It is thus clear that my reasons do not stem from my lack of siblings whatsoever and that theory is a smuttering of layman sociology.